As the days become longer and spring begins to make way for summer, life can start to feel a little fuller. Social events, invitations, gatherings, catch-ups, family events all start to increase, our weekends and even our weeknights begin to fill up. Then the end-of-year celebrations are upon us and before we know it, Christmas is on the horizon.
For some people, this is an exciting time of year, those who fill their cup surrounded by people and social events they thrive on social connection, busy calendars and being surrounded by people, and you have to love that for them, those are the people who struggle most through the quieter time of the year like winter.
For others, socialising can be enjoyable and exhausting at the same time. These people truly enjoy the connection and being with others, but there comes a time when they must recharge or fill their cup by spending some quiet time in their own space.
Then there are people like me who truly struggle with the social aspect of this time of year, even the smallest gathering of family or close friends - as much as I love to see them and catch up, - can be anxiety riddled and energy draining. In these situations, a sense of calm and comfort will not return to your mind or body until you are in your safe space, and it may take days to rebalance your energy.
So, do these scenarios sound familiar?
v You genuinely enjoy seeing your friends or family, while also finding yourself craving quiet time afterwards.
v You walk into a busy gathering feeling perfectly fine and leave feeling mentally, emotionally or physically drained.
If you throw in that you may already be feeling stressed or overloaded/overwhelmed by life in general at this time of year, adding more social commitments to an already-full life can sometimes feel like one more thing you have to manage.
There is nothing wrong with you. Maybe it is simply time for you to understand your own capacity more clearly and learn to protect your energy without feeling guilty for doing so. And becoming aware of how social events affect you and acknowledging those feelings without judgement or pressure, is a great start to helping you enjoy this season and all the up coming invitations over the next few months.
Socialising isn't energising for everyone; all my life I have heard from everyone around me messages about the importance of being social, getting out and connecting with others, and I don’t disagree that connection is important. But connection doesn't look or feel the same for everyone. While, some people feel energised by busy environments, lots of conversation and spontaneous plans, others feel most comfortable with smaller gatherings, quieter environments and plenty of time between social occasions, you may even find that your preference changes depending on how you're feeling.
When you're well rested and have plenty of capacity, a busy gathering might feel enjoyable, but, when you're already tired, stressed or emotionally stretched, that same gathering can feel overwhelming, this doesn't mean you don't like people, it doesn't mean you're antisocial, and it certainly doesn't mean you need to force yourself to become someone you're not, it simply means your capacity has limits, and learning to recognise those limits is an important part of caring for yourself.
What makes socialising feel overwhelming? Sometimes it isn't the social occasion itself, it can be the combination of everything happening around it, noise, crowds, multiple conversations, being "on" for several hours, travelling, late nights, changes to your normal routine, feeling responsible for making sure everyone else is happy, trying to fit several events into one weekend, or simply having too many commitments without enough time to recover between them.
When you're already carrying stress, your capacity for additional stimulation can be lower, you may notice that you become more irritable, tired, restless or withdrawn, you might find yourself longing for silence, you may feel like you need to be alone when you get home, these can be useful signals that your body and mind are asking for a little more space, rather than judging yourself for feeling this way, try becoming curious. Ask:"What is my body trying to tell me?"
Your capacity matters: One of the most useful questions you can ask yourself before accepting an invitation is: “Do I actually have the capacity for this?"
Not: “Should I go?"
Not: “Will someone be disappointed if I don't?"
Not: “What will everyone think?"
But: "Do I have the physical, mental and emotional capacity for this right now?"
There may be times when the answer is yes, and there may be times when the answer is no, both are okay, your capacity can change from day to day, and it can be influenced by sleep, work, stress, physical tension, emotional load and how much quiet time you've had recently, listening to your capacity isn't selfish, it's self-awareness.
You don't have to say yes to everything as Christmas approaches, invitations can seem to multiply, there can be a subtle expectation that we should attend everything, catch up with everyone and make the most of the season, but saying yes to everything can sometimes mean saying no to yourself, you are allowed to choose, you can attend one event rather than three, you can stay for an hour rather than the entire afternoon, you can decline an invitation, you can choose a quieter catch-up instead of a large gathering, and you can change your mind if your circumstances change.
A simple: "Thank you so much for inviting me, but I won't be able to make it this time." is enough, you don't need a lengthy explanation.
Protecting your energy before a social occasion: A little preparation can make a big difference, before heading out, consider what you need to feel grounded, perhaps you need a quiet morning, perhaps you need to eat a nourishing meal rather than arriving hungry, perhaps you need some time outside, perhaps a few minutes of meditation or slow breathing would help you settle, you might also decide beforehand how long you'd like to stay, having an exit plan can remove some of the pressure of feeling like you're committed to staying indefinitely.
Try asking yourself: What would help me feel supported before I go?
Staying grounded while you're there: If you begin to feel overwhelmed during a gathering, you don't have to push through. Give yourself permission to pause.
You could:
Step outside for some fresh air.
Find a quieter room.
Take a few slow breaths.
Relax your shoulders.
Unclench your jaw.
Have a glass of water.
Spend a few minutes alone.
Notice how your body is feeling.
Remind yourself that you are allowed to leave when you're ready.
Sometimes just a few minutes away from the stimulation can help you reconnect with yourself.
Creating an energetic boundary: If you are someone who feels particularly affected by the mood or energy of a busy environment, you may also find an energetic boundary practice helpful.
· Before entering a gathering, take a moment to become still.
· Feel your feet connected to the ground.
· Take a slow breath.
· Imagine a soft, calm boundary surrounding you.
· You might visualise it as a gentle light or simply imagine yourself being held within your own personal space.
· Then silently remind yourself:
· "I can be present without carrying what isn't mine."
You can enjoy someone's company without taking responsibility for their emotions, you can listen without absorbing everything, you can care about someone without carrying their stress home with you, for some people, this simple visualisation can become a meaningful ritual before entering busy environments.
After socialising, give yourself time to come back to yourself: One of the most overlooked parts of social wellbeing is what happens after the event, if you've spent several hours talking, listening, travelling, concentrating and being surrounded by stimulation, your body may need some quiet time to settle, instead of immediately moving onto the next task, create a small transition ritual.
You might: Come home → change into comfortable clothes → drink some water → have some quiet time → take a warm shower → practice slow breathing → relax.
This doesn’t need to be complicated; the purpose is simply to create a gentle transition from social mode back into your own space.
Some of the things I do for myself to prepare for a social occasion: My plan for a gatherings is to arrive early (I will always contact my hosts to make sure this is ok, maybe they need some help setting things up) I get to spend some time with my hosts catching up before anyone else gets there and I don’t then feel guilty if I then need to leave early. I also drive so I don’t have to rely on anyone else to get me home and I am not feeling trapped, I usually will have a time limit, if I am ok after 1 -2 hrs I can stay, if not, I can leave.
If I am meeting friends somewhere, I am usually the first on there, I can choose my seat and get comfortable with my surroundings.
A big one for me prior to a social gathering is deep breathing and meditation, I place an imagined protective bubble around me, so I don’t soak up other people’s energy and I protect my own.
When I get home usually, I will have a shower to cleanse my energy and calm my nervous system for sleep, I will cuddle up with my dogs (my safe space) maybe drink a warm cup of herbal tea or hot choc. If it is a daytime outing, I could take the dogs for a walk or sit quietly for a time.
What works for me is not going to work for everyone else.
Guilt doesn't mean you've made the wrong choice: This can be one of the hardest lessons, you may say no to an invitation and still feel guilty, you may leave an event early and wonder whether you should have stayed, you may choose a quiet evening at home while everyone else seems to be out enjoying themselves.
Remember: Feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt simply appears because you're doing something unfamiliar.
If you're used to putting everyone else's needs first, choosing yourself can initially feel uncomfortable.
With practice, you can begin to distinguish between: "I've done something wrong."
and
"I've done something different from what others expected of me."
They are not the same thing.
Connection can still be part of your wellbeing: Protecting your energy doesn't mean withdrawing from everyone, quite the opposite, when you honour your capacity, you may actually find that the social experiences you do choose become more enjoyable, because you can be more present and listen more deeply, you can connect without constantly checking how much longer you have to stay and enjoy the people who matter to you without completely exhausting yourself in the process.
The goal isn't to avoid connection. It's to find a balance between connection and restoration.
A gentle reflection for this season: As we move towards the busy summer and Christmas period, take a few minutes to reflect:
· Which social situations leave me feeling nourished?
· Which ones tend to leave me depleted?
· How much social activity feels comfortable for me at the moment?
· Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or because I feel I should?
· What helps me feel grounded in busy environments?
· How much recovery time do I need after a social occasion?
· Where could I create a little more space in my calendar?
There is no right or wrong answer, this is simply an opportunity to listen to yourself.
You are allowed to enjoy the season at your own pace: The warmer months can be a beautiful time of connection, celebration and being outdoors, but you don't have to experience them exactly the way everyone else does, you are allowed to enjoy some gatherings and decline others. You can love your friends and family while still needing time alone, you are allowed to leave early or have a quiet weekend. Most importantly you are allowed to protect your energy.
Make choices based on what your body and mind need, rather than what you think you should be able to handle, as the pace of life begins to increase, perhaps the most nurturing thing you can do is pause and ask:
"What would help me move through this season feeling supported, rather than depleted?"
Your wellbeing matters, you don't need to wait until you're completely overwhelmed before you give yourself permission to slow down, sometimes protecting your energy isn't about doing less, it's about choosing more consciously where you give it.
Wishing you the best of the social season over the next few months, may your energy abound.
With Gratitude